I’ve been in love a total of three times. Four, if you count Jorge from 3rd-5th grade (that’ll be my only name drop).
Sometimes I wonder if I can even count the first two loves. They both felt so different than the one I’m in now. My heart raced around them and every time I got a call or text or Skype I would want to drop everything to hear their voice. Everything felt perfect (until it was over).
Now, I’m engaged to my third love. When I graduated high school, I swore up and down that I would never get married, and if I did, I would be in my thirties and it would’ve been one of those “If-we’re-both-still-single-at-32-let’s-tie-the-knot,” type of relationships.
But I’m not 32. That wasn’t the scenario. And like I said, this love feels so different than the others.
This love is frustrating. It’s so damn frustrating. It wasn’t love at first sight like the books and movies say, and I can’t count on one hand the number of times we’ve fought. We’ve hurt each other so badly. We’ve both been manipulative, selfish, close-minded. At the same time, we have countless nights of staying up all night and laughing. Binge watching awful TV shows and going on drives just to roll down the windows and scream the lyrics to our favorite songs.
A lot of my friends tell me how great it is that I’ve found my forever. I’ll agree; it’s phenomenal. I’m so lucky I have someone to kiss every day and someone that’ll take the dog out when it’s 45 degrees and raining.
The difference between this love and my other loves is, one fight wasn’t the end of the world. Two fights don’t mean a possible break up. Through everything we’ve been through, the good and the bad, we chose to love each other through it.
So to my friends who think relationships are easy:
“It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, it’s compromise that moves us along.” - -Maroon 5, She Will Be Loved
I wanted to put that lyric in as a joke, but now I realize… it’s not. I’ve never been able to be furious at someone, but still think they're the sun. Holding grudges against my other loves felt so easy, but it feels pointless with this love. There are some hard days where the love is tested. There are other days where I never want to feel anything else but him beside me.
I hate being cliché, but I’m a writer, so I think it’s part of my characterization. So, I have little issue saying this: Don’t look for love. It’ll find you. You’re not going to want it at times. You’ll push it away, and then beg for it back. It’s imperfect, and if you seek love, you’ll find more of an idea of love that you fall into, rather than falling for the person. It wont feel like love until it hits you all at once.
In the end, love is work. But it’s the best job I’ve ever had.
p.s.- I’ll try to keep the gushing to a minimum from here on out.