Before I Go

May 9, 2017



Before I go, let me tell you: I want to leave. I've kind of been like that my whole life. I'd want to run away, or disappear, or be anywhere that wasn't where I was then, and moments like these, moments when I'm five days away from graduating college and weeks away from moving and weeks away from a new last name, aren't so different.  

I'm complex because I hate change but I crave it. I'm not foreign to the dichotomy of wants in my mind. The night of my high school graduation, I could not stop crying. Until 3 a.m., that night was filled with tears and hugs and kisses from friends and boys and family and everything from that night is still so clear to me. I think it's because I knew I was leaving, and I knew I would never be the same.

And, I'm not the same. (Honestly, thank God for that, I was fucking annoying in high school). Now I want to be a writer instead of a doctor and I like the words "I love you" instead of texts that say "you up?" and I'm not scared of the future anymore, I'm terrified. I'm terrified because it's here, and I can't run away, or leave, or disappear.

And I'm okay with that.

Before graduation on Saturday, let me say, I'm so glad I got rejected from Rice and went to Baylor instead. Let me say that I never thought I'd find people like me who audibly gasp at heart-wrenching metaphors or can't help but write a poem when it comes to them, even if it's in the middle of a lecture. Let me say, my professors were my best teachers and mentors and friends, and that yes, college was so much fucking better than high school.

Before I move, let me say that I'm ready to have a new place to call home. I've outgrown where I am (and no offense to Chip and Jo, but I'm real tired of living a block away from the Silos). I'm ready for my 8-5 and I'm ready to wake up and miss how life used to be before I had student loan bills.

Before I say "I do," I want to say that I'm not ready. I don't think anyone is ever truly ready for this, but maybe that's just me-- I've never really been ready for anything in life. I'm not ready, but I don't think there's anything I've ever wanted more in my life than to only wake up next to him until I stop waking up. I love the stupid fights and the 3 a.m. talks and the walks with our dog. I love everything about him, I love everything about us, I love everything about love, and I love that I'm letting myself be loved.

Before I go, I want to say that it still hasn't sunk in that college is over and life is still going. I want to say that I'm just as lost as everyone else in their twenties, even if it looks like I'm not. Before I go, I want to say that I'm okay.

I'm not ready, but I'm okay.
I finally get to be anywhere but here.

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